Friday, February 22, 2008

Brilliance in writing

There is brilliance in writing and brilliance in its delivery. This is an example of both, though I will leave it to you to determine who wrote it and who delivered it, and in what context. One of my favorites...but maybe because of its context.







Thursday, February 21, 2008


I have decided that, at least for the women, this is definitely the top 12...the top 12 best looking.

It’s nice they put Carly in a dress that matches her tattoos.

Uh oh…Garret Haley/Leif Garret/Lance Kerwin/James at 17 goes home.

Amy Davis…her cups runneth over…and out.

Joanne…I’m sure she got the warning from the Psychic Friends Hotline.

Colton Shore…going home. This is a surprise. There are at least a half-dozen other guys who could have gone home tonight, even Danny “General Manuel” Noriega. Like his separated at birth twin, Boris Becker, Colton just didn’t spend much time at the top.

Colton’s dad is still giving Simon the “you talkin’ to me?” look. Simon better get an escort to his car…he’s not dealing with Rupert Pupkin.

Until next week, when we waste more time…watching the worst top 18.

Now, for the American Idol Ladies...

This is the beauty of TIVO/DVR…I am watching last night, skipping the commercials, while you people are watching the results…or not.

Let me say at the outset…Paula’s a “chucklehead.” You can’t understand half of what she’s saying.

Do people know that Randy is Samuel L. Jackson’s cousin…I half expect him to bust out one night with “Yo mutha (bleep), you f-ing worked it out! Dawg!”

Christy Lee Cook: Cowboy up! “Rescue me”-not too bad. I get the sense that she’s a little behind the music…they’re trying to pull her along a bit, like by a half a beat. Sort of like the Clydesdales pulling the Budweiser cart…Not the most energetic performance…Randy is down on her, everyone is down on her.

Joanne Borgella: Sings like more like Frank Langella. Dionne Warwick…Burt Bacharach- you’re talking my language. But Borgella better be saying a little prayer to stay through next week.

As an aside, I really like Simon. Shoots straight from the hip and tells it like it is. I could do that too.

Alaina Whitaker/Carrie Underwood/Jamie Lynn Spears-needs some orthodontia. I love you more today than yesterday…I think I do. I didn’t start off liking her, but I think I’m with Randy and Simon on this one.

Amanda Overmyer: She’s an “old” 23. She’s got a voice like 10 miles of ripped up road and with that voice, she can blow…but I’d like to understand what she’s saying.. I’m a little envious of the hair. And she’s moving like John Belushi doing Joe Cocker. My nickname for her-“Lucky Strikes”.

Amy Davis: I can give you 36D reasons why she made it through to the top 24. “Where the Boys Are?” I’ll tell you…running to their rooms right now… for earplugs, and other things.

Brooke White: The “No R-rated movies” girl. Carole King wannabe. Happy together…like Paula and vodka.

Alexandrea Lushington: Spinning Wheel. She’s no David Clayton Thomas. She’s no Michael Clayton, Clayton Moore or Dave Thomas either.

Kady Malloy: An unhealthy obsession with Britney Spears…like the rest of the country. “Groovy Kind of Love”. I like the Mindbenders version. This country version is bending my brain…You know when Paula tells people they’re pretty, they suck.

Asia’h Epperson: With a name like this, she could be S. Epatha Merkerson…I can’t even comment on this. She’s off, out of time…off key…she’s taking another little piece of my life I’ll never get back. I totally disagree with the judges.

Ramiele Malubay: She looks a little like know, just as tall. Nobody that short should sing Dusty Springfield. I don’t believe her.

Syesha Mercado: Ok, she bothers me. She’s been in Ford commercials (check out for the story and video) and she has an attitude. As one of my faithful readers observed, she doesn’t have a forehead, she has a “10-head.”

Carly Smithson: Check out for reasons not to like her. The Shadow of your Smile…are eclipsed by the bags under her eyes. With those teeth, I don’t want to see her smile too much. And what about her husband, the Illustrated Man? She wasn’t bad tonight. Just keep her teeth hidden.

Once again…a very disappointing crop of semi-professionals.

And in about 5 minutes…I’ll watch the results.

For now…enjoy The Byrds.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

And now...your American Idol Top Twelve Boys...

Back by popular demand…my American Idol reviews.

It’s 60s night!!! Righteous. Brings me back to college in Amherst, listening to WDRC, “Big D 103, 102.9 on your FM dial” out of Hartford. Playing the hits of your youth. But now that American Idol begins…it sounds more like static as I go through the Berkshires.

As always, we hear things much differently than the judges.

Danny Hernandez…Josh says no big loss.

Chickeezee..Jacuzzi…MacandCheese…give me a break. Could be a cross between Luther Vandros and Johnny Mathis. Trying too hard to take on Simon right off. Simon’s right, he wasn’t very good.

David Cook: “So Happy Together”…I hope he’ll be happy being together with his family at home. This could be his ticket home.

Jason Yeager: He must have been 16 when he sired that kid. “Moon River”??? Andy Williams is rolling over in his grave. Oh, that’s right…he’s not dead, but after this, he might want to be. Love Johnny Mercer tunes though, and with music by Henry Mancini, you can’t go wrong…unless you sing it like this.

Robbie Carrico: “One”—he’ll be lonely, on the plane ride home. Toured with Britney Spears? Knowing her, he probably did more that “tour.” No “Three Dog Nights” for him.

I agree with Simon-this guy might be a “poser”.

As an aside, this year seems to be the year of the semi-professional. Where in the past you might have had one or two semi-pros, this year, it seems almost all of them have semi-professional experience.

David Archuleta: 17 years old. I really don’t want to like this kid. But I can’t help myself. I cannot stand Smokey Robinson, but this kid worked it out. Like him. Paula will love his cuteness…He is no “Chicken Little”.

Danny Noriega: Should it be “Danni”? He’s a “2 face”; very puzzling. I’m with Simon: what the hell is Paula saying?

Actually, I think he’s lip-synching. Seriously. He was walking down stairs while sinking, and there wasn’t even a deviation in his tone. He just ain’t good enough to pull that off.

Luke Menard: Love Harry Nilson!!!!!! Unfortunately, for all viewers, this isn’t him. Paula just can’t spit out English.

Colton Berry/Ellen DeGeneres: Also, separated at birth from Boris Becker.
Much better Elvis song than Jailhouse Rock. “Ellen does Elvis!”
OMG! His father looks like Robert DeNiro; he was giving Simon the “You talkin’ to me” look.

Leif Garrett Haley: Weird looking. Second career brewing in the next “Nightmare on Elm Street” movie. Geez, Simon and I are kindred spirits…

Oddly, he dresses like he’s from “Children of the Corn” but he’s singing a love ballad. Makes sense, if he’s Slingblade.

I like Neil Sedaka. Goes along with my thing for Carole King and Brill Building music. Saw Sedaka a few years ago, and he hasn’t lost a thing. Can’t say the same for Leif. Not sure he ever had it, and there’s an apparent reason they hadn’t focused on him in the preliminaries.

Jason Castro: WTF!!!??? Dreadlocks! That’s a look I need to adopt. With that hair he looks like some alien from Star Wars.

Surprisingly good. The Lovin’ Spoonfuls makes comeback. Like the “clap.”

Michael Johns: I didn’t like that audition with “Bohemian Rhapsody”. The guy looks like Jim Morrison a little. Too bad he doesn’t sound like him at all. This was a very poor audition from a guy who showed promise. Randy’s deaf, Paula’s blind…and I have to disagree with my brother Simon. This one didn’t do it for me.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Okay, now just one more thing...

Is there anyone now who thinks the Congressional Hearing for Clemens isn’t a bag job? He’s going to Capital Hill a few days a week, signing autographs and posing for pictures, and you expect the committee members to attack him? Damn, they’ll be serving him cocktails. Henry Waxman could be sticking a needle of HGH in Clemens’ ass at the table in chambers and they would believe it if Clemens said he’s never done anything but B1-12 and Lidocaine.

I had higher hopes, frankly, but why should I? This is Congress we’re talking about. Now, given the behavior of everyone involved, I fully expect them to treat Clemens like a king and McNamee like the court jester. Once they waived off Andy Pettite, claiming he has nothing to add, I knew this was a bag job. Nothing to add???!!! He’s the one guy who trained most with Clemens and has admitted taking HGH from McNamee during their three-way relationship, and Congress says “he’s got nothing to add.” He can testify to Roger getting it in the ass...and I mean the HGH of course.

What do you call 450 troglodytic half-wits in a room?

The House of Representatives.

Ladies and Gentlemen…Mark Russell…

Just a few more things...

Opening American Idol with Brooke, singing Carole King’s “Beautiful” from one of the greatest albums ever-“Tapestry”-gave me hope that there might be something in this season, even if she hasn’t ever seen an “R”-rated movie.

If anyone doubts Carole King’s greatness, and place in musical history, besides her own hits off of “Tapestry”, check out these hits she wrote, just to name a few, made famous by other artists:

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow (The Shirelles)
Take Good Care of my Baby (Bobby Vee)
The Locomotion (Little Eva)
One Fine Day (The Chiffons)
Pleasant Valley Sunday (The Monkees, or whatever studio musicians were pretending to be the Monkees)
Up on the Roof (The Drifters)
You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Women (Aretha Franklin)
Hi-De-Ho (Blood, Sweat & Tears)
You’ve Got a Friend (James Taylor)

Sooooooooooooooo, Amy Winehouse…why bother going to rehab, because you’ll never rise to this level!

Special shout out to my fellow Massachusetts alum, Natalie Cole, who, no doubt after reading my post yesterday, came out and trashed Winehouse.

Speaking of “R”-rated movies, I need to get back to “Rambo” for a moment. My favorite part-Ken Howard, a/k/a “The White Shadow”, shows up in a brief cameo. He plays a “Pastor” from Colorado. I’ll tell you, I half expected to see Salami and Goldstein tossing the “rock” around while some funky saxophone-guitar riff is playing in the background-just what Rambo and Burma needs! Throw in Coolidge, and Haywood with that funky hat, and that’s a recipe for success.

Just needed to share.

Enjoy Darlene Love ladies and gentlemen…

Monday, February 11, 2008

So Much Time, So Little to Say

Thanks to you, subscribers to the Critical Palate, who have been clamoring for more posts. Yes, I know it’s been almost a month since my last post, but this one’s for both of you…

First, a special shout out to my friend, and charter subscriber, Carolyn. CS-you’re terrific! Adopting a baby girl from Asia… Holla-back to my cousins Jason and Kim too, adopting a baby girl from Central America! Righteous.

The owner of Starbucks has decided to phase out the breakfast sandwiches by the end of 2008. He says that it interferes with the fine aroma of the coffee and is affecting sales. I got to tell you, as a big Starbucks consumer, they don’t grind much coffee anymore, and with automatic machines, there’s no aroma from the espresso bar. The homeless guy that comes in every morning has quite an aroma though.

Writers’ strike…I’m a quandary. I like TV, but I got to admit, I don’t miss it that much. This past season wasn’t shaping up to be any good. The shows we started watching didn’t really grab us: Journeyman, Bionic Woman, Back to You. Back to You was passable, mostly because of Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton, and their great comic timing. Otherwise, I’m glad the networks are taking it on the chin, and hope the writers get what they deserve. For now, I’m good with my DVR, catching up on M*A*S*H, America’s Test Kitchen and “Pioneers of Television” on PBS. Having watched that series, I see the brilliance in David Letterman even more, as he seems to be a cross between Jack Paar, Jack Benny and Steve Alan. Now THIS is television.

Britney…I’ve gone from being disgusted to being mesmerized, now that we have a “death pool” at work—I got her dead by March 2009. She’s rapidly becoming this year’s Anna Nicole Smith, except without the giant breasts, though she is a huge boob! In reality, I’d prefer to have this watch on the mother of the year, Lynn Spears. Have the authorities thought about arresting her yet? Has anybody figured out how she got out of the trailer park? Between Britney and Jamie Lynn, she’s got to be real proud about the way she’s raised these kids! Someone told me they heard one of them say in an interview “You ever French Kiss? My Daddy says I’m the best!”

The sound you hear is no one watching the Grammys…and I don’t mean my mother.

Special Fan Contribution from “Anonymous”: Amy Winehouse winning Grammys for a song that disses getting help in rehab? What’s up with that? Are we now rewarding unhealthy behavior? If anyone needs rehab, baby, its her.

Survivor: Fans vs. Faves…This show jumped the shark when the girls stopped posing for Playboy. I haven’t watched the last two, and now they bring it back, with Johnny Fairplay (spoiler alert-he got tossed the first episode)? Jeff, wanna know what you’re playing for? An audience.

Most recent movie: “Rambo”. I have never seen a more violent movie, ever, and that’s just Sly’s plastic surgery. I am surprised that I didn’t leave the theatre with blood all over me. The most interesting part: Walking into the theatre and picking my seat, some teenagers said, “here come some hard core Rambo fans” (referring to me and my buddies), to which I respond “going old school.” Damn, I’m cool.

Speaking of Rocky…I’m not sure Hulk Hogan looked better or worse currently on American Gladiator or as Thunderlips in Rocky III-BTW, I hear that’s Britney’s new street name.

Apropos of nothing…I don’t need Oprah, Barbra Streisand or Chuck Norris telling me who to vote for. I’m waiting for Tom Laughlin and Delores Taylor to tell me what to do...

or maybe Lynn Spears.

I’ll be here all week. And now…enjoy Bob Welch.