Monday, April 21, 2008

Sitting at the Seder Table of my mind…

Just a few thoughts, while I sit around the next few weeks letting the matzah move at a glacial pace through my system…

Is anyone rushing to KFC to try its new “KFC Famous Bowls”? I think the only thing that makes them famous is that every bowl comes with a surprise hidden at the bottom: a hermetically sealed Lipitor.

You have three delectable buckets of swill to choose from, but here’s one description from KFC’s website-“a generous serving of our creamy mashed potatoes, layered with sweet corn and loaded with bite-sized pieces of crispy chicken. Then we drizzle it all with our signature home-style gravy and top it off with a shredded three-cheese blend. It's all your favorite flavors coming together. (Subject to availability)”.

Eric says: Its like an orgiastic feast for the senses…and you better come to your senses before you eat this. Mashed potatoes, then corn, then deep fried chicken, then gravy then cheese…I think a deep-fried Twinkie would be healthier.

740 calories, 54% of your RDA fat intake, 46% of your RDA saturated fat intake, 98% of your RDA sodium intake, 21% of your cholesterol intake. You’ll be happy to know that it does have 10% of your RDA Vitamin C and 20% of your RDA calcium (no doubt from the heavy cream in the potatoes).

“Subject to availability”? Why? Because the person working the food line (not really a “cook” or “chef”, more like an “assemblyman”) might have a stroke making this thing. Just smelling this thing might put you in a food coma.

I’m sure one of you, my cast of thousands of anonymous readers have eaten one. If you have lived to tell about it, let me know how it is. I live vicariously through you.

Unlike a blog, where you are practically mandated to post a response (a habit many of you readers have not yet adopted), one feature of electronic versions of newspapers that is driving me nuts is the ability to post comments after stories. Why do we need this? I don’t mind reading an article written by someone trained to be a journalist, and maybe someone who will win a Pulitzer someday, but do I need to read comments by “Anonymous” or some other ridiculous screen name. Most of the comments border on the pathetic, and never reach sublime. As a colleague notes, these comments after the articles are like the bathroom graffiti of yesteryear. I half expect to read, “here I sit now broken hearted…”


Passover began Saturday night, and we used a new Haggadah (book used to lead the service and re-tell the Exodus from Egypt.) The “Seder” or “service” can last anywhere from a half hour to several hours. However, I’ve seen an email circulating that has a one-minute Seder. This is catching fire, like “8 Minute Abs”.

My version of the 5-second Seder is like every Jewish holiday, which can be summed up in the following manner:

They tried to oppress us;
We beat them;
Let’s eat.

The problem is that with Passover, the punishment keeps on coming. No longer are we in bondage in Egypt, but we are still “bound” by Streit’s (a brand of matzah for those of you not of the faith). Beware of any holiday where prunes are served as dessert.

Speaking of Passover, the great Charlton Heston has gone to the great chariot race in the sky.

So, I say to you dear readers…”take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”

You’ve been a great audience. Try the soylent green.

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