Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Butchers...of language

This has been a bug in my ass (and if you know me, that’s a big bug…) for a couple of weeks, and now having seen the following being advertised on television, I can’t hold back any longer.

A few weeks ago, I was at Quiznos (Mmmm, toasty!) getting a salad. I noticed they had an entirely new menu (really just new ways to feed you irradiated, pre-fab food) and I saw a sign for the “Sammies Special”. I ask the food wench working there “what’s the Sammies Special, who’s Sammie and why is he or she special?” After a question like this, she probably thinks I’m special.

She says I have a choice of “sammiches.” What???!!! What the (expletive deleted)???!!! “You know, a sammich”. Geez, last time I checked, the word was “sandwich.” It has an “n”, a “d”, and a “w” in it. By the way, no “m”. When speaking, I usually pronounce those consonants, don’t add ones that aren’t necessary, and don’t pronounce words like a troglodytic half-wit that just rolled out of the hills in Appalachia (and not the Appalachia of which Aaron Copeland composed wonderful themes). Quiznos could single-handedly be responsible for the dumbing down of America. Run a huge ad campaign, push your “Sammies” and turn us Lemmings into a bunch of illiterates. The Earl of Sammich must be rolling in his grave.

Speaking of Quiznos, it reminds me of the Cold Stone Reamery. Quiznos is trying to convince us that they have created a new, cutting-edge way of serving a sandwich—HOT! First of all, I bet you as soon as they discovered fire, the cavemen were toasting Woolly Mammoth over an open flame. I’ve always thought that mammoth tastes better a little cooked. “Nigiri mammoth” just doesn’t do it. I digress…Well, I’d like to say this to Mr. Quiznos (actually Rick Schaden): Famous Pizza in Pinefield was doing this from the dawn of time. Nothing like a large roast beef with everything and melted provolone from Famous. I haven’t been there in 20 years, but the memory of the beefy deliciousness is as strong as ever.

Why the comparison to Cold Stone Reamery? Like Quiznos, they march into a new market, claiming they’re offering something so new, so cutting edge, that people will flock to them. Reamer’s cutting-edge concept? Mixing toppings right into the ice cream while you watch. Pardon me, I need to stop yawning…GMFB! In the 70s, Steve’s was doing that, whether in Cambridge, Somerville, Fanuil Hall, or in outlets attached to D’Angelos (now featuring toasted subs) all across Massachusetts. Not just Steve’s, but Emack & Bolios, Bart’s in Amherst, or Herbie’s in Framingham. C’mon Cold Stone, do your market research. Know your audience--no one consumes more ice cream per capita than people that live in New England. We have high expectations, and you can’t meet them. Why “Reamery”? Next time, look at those prices. For the price of a small ice cream, the cow should come to my house, milk itself, churn the ice cream and feed it to me.

Random thoughts from a cluttered mind….

Since when did the accepted response to “thank you” become “not a problem”? I think “you’re welcome” is still the best way to respond. At the Outback a few weeks ago, when we thanked the waiter for anything-delivering the food, taking the order, bringing water, his response was “not a problem.” No kidding, jerkweed, if it was a problem for you to bring me water, there would be a real problem, for you. I have noticed more and more people using this expression as a response. To this I say “a problem.”

Rachel Ray-as a friend noted…getting a little wide in the beam and puffy-faced. Too much Dunkin’ Donuts maybe. Just as Tony Montana was warned by Frank Lopez: “Rachel, don’t get high on your own supply.”

Jason Bateman has come a long way from “Silver Spoons” I love “Arrested Development”, and he was superb in that. Played essentially the same character in “The Kingdom” which was not a comedy (unless you find mass murder and suicide bombing in Saudi Arabia funny), and he was great. The fact that he is married to Paul Anka’s daughter only elevates his stature in my mind. Paul Freaking Anka!!!! It could only be better if his father in law was Richard Carpenter.

I am half unhappy with the writers’ strike in Hollywood. This gives me a chance to catch up on “House”, but I miss new episodes of “Little People, Big World” and “Armed and Famous.”

Am I the only one that remembers “Larry’s Corner” or “Lord and Lady D&^%$bag” on SNL? Read here: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/79/79tdouchebag.phtml

Gratuitous shout-out: My father, for figuring out the acronym from last month. Decorum prevents me from saying anymore.

Famous Pizza: 508-877-0101

You’ve been a great audience. Enjoy Andy Kim…


Anonymous said...

You need a valium. So wound up, but yet very funny. Famous Pizza, love them. Love House not a fan of the other shows.

I thought you might do a blog on why stores open at 4:00 am on the day after Thanksgiving and will anyone even be there at that time.

I agree about the Cold Stone Reamery, they ream you on their prices and their concept, not a new one. I can't speak about Quiznos because I haven't been, but if you don't like pre fab food don't go there.

Peace on you!

Anonymous said...

I am a professor in Urban studies, meaning that I profess to know something about the urban culture, but nothing about Keith Urban, I would like to inform you of some information. I have seen Undercover Brother, so I know what I'm talking about. The word sammiches is urban slang for sandwiches. I believe it has something to do with Sammy Davis Jr's love of sandwiches, which would make sense, because the word Sammies has only one eye. I mean, I.

As everyone knows, Quiznos first began in Denver, Colorado, and we all know how people in Denver treat our fellow black citizens. Just ask Chef from South Park. So I believe this is just another insensitive, racial slur against a culture, much like "Run for the Border" from Taco Bell.