Food TeeVee

Not to be confused with Mike TeeVee (from the original "Willy Wonka"), I’m a big foodie, as anyone who sees me knows…not “Jabba The Hut” big, but a food fan for sure…

My peeps and I often talk about the shows on the Food Network. I don’t watch nearly as much TV as I used to, but I still tune into the Food Network now and then. I have my favorites, and the not so favorite, shows and hosts.

I know what I like, and I’m not afraid to tell you. While “Everyday Italian” has a couple of things I like (I’ll give you 36 guesses), I find the soft-focus (the old “Barbara Walters” trick) annoying, the food unapproachable, and that the host’s name (Giada) could be mistaken for a terrible stomach virus. Believe me, even if you put her in HD with a low-cut blouse, I still might not tune in, except for that cavatelle with shrimp and tasso ham.

Rachael Ray—formerly “Yum-Oh”, now bordering on “Yuk-Oh.” It looks like she’s getting paid in products from Dunkin’ Donuts. Don’t get me wrong, I like her, and find her bubbly effervescence fun, but now she’s everywhere…if she keeps eating, she’ll really be everywhere.

Emeril-I feel like I need to hire Robert DeNiro, playing Al Capone in “The Untouchables” and go “Bam!” By that I mean with a baseball bat across his mouth. (Breaking News-Emeril has been canned! Read about it here: http://www.nypost.com/seven/11272007/tv/bam__emeril_gone_858335.htm)

Paula Deen--the high-pitched cackle, the crazed trailer-park accent…she’s great if you want a recipe for chicken-fried pork chop smothered in cream gravy, a side of fried okra and another side of double-fried potatoes and a fried Twinkie for dessert. Stent please?!.

Alton Brown-love the dweeb with the glasses. What’s not to like?

Used to love the original “Iron Chef”, and I still like Masaharu Morimoto. “I just spoke to the Iron Chef. He said he’s never cooked with sea urchin vomit before, but is looking forward to it as the secret ingredient.”

Guy Fieri-Anyone who has a show on diners is ok in my book (my Dad is a former diner owner). But, enough with the street vernacular and whack expressions like “Dude, that’s money!” or “Dude, you’re in it to win it with that!” or “Dude, that’s off the hook!” Plus, he’s got more tattoos than the Illustrated Man. Dude, I really don’t want you touching my food.

Speaking of tattoos, it seems to me that there are only a few categories of shows on TV: CSI, food, tattooing, or rebuilding motorcycles or cars. I’m thinking we could at least combine a few of these and have Rachael and Giardia getting tattoos, or maybe “Pimp My Rachael”. You can skip the Paula Deen episode.
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I also watch some locally produced shows, but one to avoid, for me, is “Phantom Gourmet.” I cannot tell you how much I do not enjoy this show, but this past week really hammered it home for me. At least most weeks there are actual reviews, but this week, we got treated to “credit card roulette.”

For the unitiated, this version of roulette is where a half-dozen really wealthy, but equally obnoxious, people go to dinner at a really expensive restaurant. They all hand over a credit card with a high limit, and through the night, one by one, a credit card is removed so that the last credit card remaining picks up the tab. Yeah, this is riveting TV. Do I really care about which one gets stuck with the check? Do I really want to watch these people stuff their faces, along with their bloated egos? Why is this interesting? Hello, am I missing something?

By the way, if there was any doubt, we all know that this show and the Phantom are less than impartial. Firefly’s and Strega, among others, advertise heavily on this show, and one of the Andleman boys even has an appetizer named after himself on the Firefly’s menu. Now wait a minute, here’s a shocker…Firefly’s is highly rated by the Phantom. Can you believe it?! Who would have thought? This show is responsible for bringing mediocrity to your palate, and I for one, can see through it. That’s why I’m here for you…

Gratuitous shout-out: For all you ocular needs, see Dr. Hugh Cooper, adult and pediatric ophthalmologist to the stars…email me for his phone number.

You’ve been a great audience. Don’t forget to tip your waitress…enjoy 10cc (Does anyone else know the significance of the band’s name? You’ve got to just know this…)